I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
