i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
