omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
