Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
