Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
