Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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