i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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