i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
