Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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