ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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