I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
