i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
