I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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