direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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