Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
