brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
