The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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