i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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