i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
PANTIES FOUND
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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