Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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