Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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