I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
