does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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