I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
