I want to have your abortion
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
