the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
