just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
