Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
