i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
