Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
