I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
