i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
