my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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