FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
