how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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