I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
