so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
