Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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