The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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