I accidentally had phone sex last night
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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