that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
