Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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