matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
