Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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