the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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