I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
