We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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