Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
