Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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