Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
